Merry Christmas

I woke up with strong indications of having been finally overcome by the traditional Christmas cold, so it was with even less enthusiasm than usual that I set out to the grocery store, whch for me, even on a good day seems to be a the sort of quest worthy of a nice 200 stanza epic poem. Trader Joe's was bustling, of course, and I did allow myself to indulge in a little self-pity as I filled my cart with juice and soup and Airborne, while everyone else's cart was brimming with wine and chocolate and poinsettias.

I headed home feeling exhausted and snuffly, but somewhat optimistic about my ability to face the immediate future now that I had Kleenex, tangerines, and spicy apple cider. Then, about a block from home, right there in the crosswalk was a sight that banished the dreariness from my heart and filled it with Christmas joy. Because what really signals Christmas so much as a little blonde girl skipping across the road all dressed in her red...Spider Man suit? Complete with spidery face paint.

Ho ho ho, little girl.

Merry Christmas.

And the winner is...

A group of girls is sitting together on the floor surrounded by their backpacks, laptops, and various outerwear. As I walk by, one looks up, eyes wide with excitement and announces to her friends, "I've been playing classical music so long, I now have a favorite composer! And it's not Bach. [suspense-building pause] ...It's Chopin!"

English Major Saves the Day

I often despair that I do so little writing as part of my job, so today was a refreshing change. A colleague came up and said "Um...Can I ask your opinion? A group of parents wants us to attach this little poem to some treats they are leaving for the seniors. I'm thinking no." She extended a piece of paper to me.

The poem:

Ho! Ho! Ho! It's so sweet to be free.
Start right now and...
EAT ME!


Yikes. You really can't give a poem that ends with all caps EAT ME to a bunch of high school seniors. Especially when you're planning to attach it to a chocolate Santa. Let's just leave Santa out of that sort of thing. Additionally, what does eating have to do with freedom? Not an enormous amount. Anyway, I have offered an alternative, equally bad, but less offensive version in which I have even allowed them to keep Santa's hearty greeting:

Ho! Ho! Ho! Vacation is great!
Start your holiday now with
This festive chocolate.

When dealing with teenagers it is less painful to be mocked for a near rhyme than for sexual innuendo. Really. I promise.

Superheroes beware!

I just read of something which claims to be a printing technique (in this case, for putting a design on a mug), but I think we all know what's really going on here. Thermo-sublimation is clearly something worked up by one Arch Villian or another to thwart the powers of good in the universe. It involves subliminal messages of evil. Along with heat. Very bad combination. Superheroes! Do not be fooled by this "mug printing" disguise! Be ever wary!

Oh. And thank you, as always, for keeping us safe here in the Metropolis.